Nothing Major...

Has a waitress ever told you to your face that you and your friends are different from their typical patrons?
Just in case you didn't notice all of the minorities in the room were at your table.

It may have been an attempt at a compliment. Or the result of horror. Either way we tried our best to live up to their low expectations by asking what the stabby thing on the table was for. Apparently, not for twirling hair like Ariel taught me.

In other news, you know it's a good day when the bloodied man drinking hooch on the train informs a younger man that because he's older he could still kill the man with his bare hands. And it's not the strangest thing you've heard all day. My son officially thinks Bostonians are unstable.

In more other news, you may have noticed that I mentioned my son. I have one of those now. A grown* one. I got him by accident. Like when you go to the store for milk but come home with a human. A few weeks ago I went to my internship and came home with a people. Now I'm a mom. I think I'm good at it. I let him have cookies for breakfast the first day. I have since been informed that this is an inappropriate breakfast food. I was unaware.

*He's actually quite small. However, legally speaking he is his own adult person.

I know that when you think of Melissa Pace you instantly think "please don't ever have children" "wow, that is some mother material right there."  Data proves that the best moms are the ones who had no plans of having children and then accidentally found one. Fact. There are reality shows to back up my claim.

Don't worry faithful readers who put up with my month-long disappearances, this will not become a parenting blog. One would have to know something about parenting for that. To prove it, I will now show you the sexiest picture of myself that I could find:

You are quite welcome.

No More Drama

My wife and I just watched an episode of The Bachelor on Hulu. For research purposes.

If you've never seen this show it's about a group of women who all live in a house together and date the same guy. 
They're not Mormon*. 
They don't try to murder any of the other girls in their sleep (that we know of).
There are never any orgies (that we know of).

I don't know why this is a show.

What does exist in abundance, however, is drama.

Watching girls operate on a whole new level of crazy, I pondered something aloud.

Self: I wonder what I would do if I was in that situation. I mean if I was surrounded by so much drama, how I would actually react.

Wife: You would giggle. A lot. Then leave the room. Until someone's morals or values were threatened. Then you would step in. But only if the person being threatened was hot.

Well.

Is it wrong that I feel proud?**



*I recognize polygamy isn't actually a typical Mormon practice. But if I said FLDS no one would have understood my joke. No one wants to be around the girl who can't pull off a joke because she uses unknown acronyms. Thank you for asking.

**I would defend anybody whose morals were being threatened.
I will enjoy it more if s/he is hot.

You Rang?

My phone rang early this morning. Nervous about why someone might be calling me before 9am, I answered quickly.

Automated Message System (AMS): This is [something that sounds like a collection agency]. To speak with an operator press "0".

Self to myself: Oh fuuuck.

AMS: All of our agents are busy assisting other callers. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.

Self aloud: You called me.

Insert series of rings.

AMS: All of our agents are assisting other callers. Please leave a message with your name and account number.

Self aloud: Account number? You called ME!!

I have no idea why these people called me, but I wish I could say it was my first time dealing with a collection agency. In fact it's my third.

Though I claim (almost) innocence. I blame the internet for being so difficult to understand that when I thought I was making online payments I was really just entering all of my personal information into the computer and promptly leaving the page before actually submitting payment.
No, I didn't notice all of the late charges. Thank you for asking.
This also why my wife is now in charge of all things financial. Woman doesn't miss a thing. Including when I try to buy secret candy bars.
I also assume the AMS was calling for "Mark" who frequently gets calls on my phone.

But my story isn't about my current inability to purchase anything without cash upfront. My story is about that time where if you call me, you best have something to say. This isn't the seventh grade. You can't just call your crush, say "hey" and expect her to carry on a 30 minute conversation without your help.

PS call me back so we can make plans for Friday/you can tell me who I neglected to pay multiple times.
Again.